When CNN and its various political pundits began talkin’ bout all this “what exactly did John McCain do wrong?” and “why did McCain lose the election?” bullshit, I couldn’t help but think up of my own list of reasons for how the Maverick got out-Maverick’d (my friends) on his way to the h-white house. So, in no particular order, I present to you for the first time evar, the 7 reasons John McCain lost the election.

1. Nobody Gives a shit About Plumbers

McCain Strategy: When in desperate need of votes, hire a scary bald dude who knows a lot about pipes and feces to campaign for you.

Seriously, who was the advisor who first thought, “hey, maybe this bald scary plumber dude could work in our favor; let’s mention him every chance we get”? I mean, for one thing, the dude is bald and scary as shit to look at, I really can’t emphasize that enough. He looks like he’s burned a cross or two in his lifetime if you know what I’m saying. Plus I heard he’s not even a plumber and his name is Sam?
Are you kidding me? You’re not? Well then…

But more importantly, was Mr. Clean over here supposed to somehow represent the average struggling American Joe (Ohhhhh I get it, his name is Joe)? Well shit, Miguel the Filipino fry flipper, Whisper the Three-tittied Skripper or Tyrone the Street Pharmacist could’ve all represented the struggling American better than this Jerry Springer Show security guard reject-looking mofo.

2. Curly Fries Don’t Make for Good Politics

Barack Obama had a crazy name and I think it helped with his overall badass motherfucker appeal-a factor, which is quite important for getting the youth vote. Meanwhile, John McCain’s last name and logo did nothing more than remind me of my favorite brand of affordable instant curly fries. Unfortunately, as delicious as McCain Super Curly Fries are, the association between tasty fried treat and politician does little to help in getting McCain my support. If anything, everytime a McCain speech would come on, I’d get hungry and ignore the thing, opting instead to focus on making some more of those delicious golden brown curly bundles of joy.

What McCain should’ve done was change his name to something cool before the whole election even started. I’d personally choose something that has to do with my profession; like how Ussain Bolt is fast as lightning and has the last name to confirm it. So I’m thinking maybe John Maverick…or maybe J. Drilla’? Either one would’ve worked. Oh and if Sarah Palin wants a shot for 2012, same deal. I’m thinking Impailin Palin’…or Big Bird. Speaking of which…

3. Women who Look Like Big Bird Will Generally Hurt your Chances

Sarah Palin annoyed the shit outta me for several reasons. Firstly is the fact that she looks like Big Bird-I can’t have no chicken running for office. Seriously, just picture it, she does. I swear. Anyway, next is her goddamn accent. As if Dubya’s accent and McCain’s accent weren’t bad enough, in comes this crazy bitch talking some “Alaskeeeh” “Meeeevereeeck” “Socuurrrr Maam” business.

Quack Quack Quack Aleeeskeeeeh Quack Quack

I don’t care how much money Sarah spends on her outfits and forget the fact that she has as much knowledge of the political world as my left nut, would somebody please teach this ostrich-looking hoe how to talk properly?

4. Going on SNL to Make Fun of yourself? Are you retarded?

When Obama made TV appearances, he’d always do so intelligently, opting for shows where he is able to discuss the issues, showcase his personality and win America over. Meanwhile, John McCain goes on The View and Letterman and picks fights with the hosts and then goes on SNL to make fun of his own issues?

What’s next? Sarah Palin half nude on a Brazilian beach on TMZ, punching a camera man in the face and telling him to get a real job? Actually that would be pretty sweet…

5. “Repetition of 3″ Rule exists for a gat’damned reason

The “Repetition of 3″ rule basically states that when you’re doing something to promote something or to emphasize something else, make sure you don’t repeat yourself more than three times. Repeating a message three times makes your audience remember said message, while going over 3 repetitions usually annoys the living crap out of them.

Well someone should’ve told this to Mr. Curly Fry, cause everytime I flip on the tube, I hear the same shit. “Maverick Drill baby Drill Joe the Plumber Spreading the Wealth My Friends I’ve got the Scars to Prove it Old Boy Political Network Shake things Up in Washington”. ES TEE EF YOO!

What McCain really needed was one, distinctive slogan, sorta like Obama’s “Yes we Can” to get people remembering his message clearly. If I was McCain, I’d accomplish this goal AND appeal to the youth by creating my very own rap song.

MC CANE is in the mo'fuckin' building my friends

Yo yo yo M.C. Cane in the mofucking house my friends. Yo Timbo, you ready to drop some Maverick shit on these mo’fuckers? Bitches all on my stimulus package all day errr day, let’s let em’ know.

*beat to Lil Wayne’s “A Milli” drops as McCain begins rapping*

McCain is the name
Maverick is the game
Barack Hussein
is claiming change?
Fuck it, are you insane?
we need more of the same

uh uh *bark* this for my real mo’fuckers getting that Senator money gnome talkin bout? Shout out to my boy Mitt Romney, word to your plumber.

On second thought, we already know what politicians rapping can be like *shudders*

6. Constantly accusing other guy of Negative Campaigning IS NEGATIVE CAMPAIGNING

If you are constantly on the other guy’s balls over how negative they are, you need to stop being so negative all the damn time. And although I’ll admit both of the candidates were relentless on the negative campaigning, at least Obama wasn’t a little bitch about it.

I remember especially in that one most recent debate when these two fuckheads went on for like 20 minutes crying about who’s more negative more of the time? Reminded me of Elementary School (not that I actually graduated from Elementary School myself-school is for nerds).

Lil Mac: “Teacher teacher! Barack called me a Bush!”
Lil Barack: “He started it! He made fun of my foreign policy!”
Lil Mac: “Cause I’m a maverick and you’re a Lil bitch!”
Anderson Cooper: “Now now boys, behave. Barack, I want you to apologize for calling McCain the ‘B’ word and McCain, I want you to give Senator Joe Lieberman back to the Democrats.”
Lil Mac: “But I don’t wanna, you’re not my mommy!”
Anderson Cooper: “Damn right I’m not your mommy-your mommy can’t beat you like I can. Now do what I say before I knock your ass the fuck out and make you spin 360″.

7. Lie about your Age Next Time

Obama may be too young, but at least he’s not too old. Old people are all set in their ways, their brains are all fucked the fuck up and they can barely move around, let alone speak properly. Oh and they squeak. That’s right, they do this squeaking sound. Think the perverted Popsicle-offering pedophile in Family Guy.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that there’s a reason why women lie about their age. McCain should’ve taken a cue and, you know, rounded down. If he wasn’t seen as such an old-ass, he never would’ve had to recruit Palin for VP to balance things out and he could’ve had a fighting chance in the first place.

Not that that’s a good thing. Congratulations, Mr. Obama.