So it looks like 50 Cent is the next rapper in line to host his own reality show. Apparently, MTV’s latest gem, “50 Cent presents: The Money and the Power”, will feature yo boy Fiddy giving up 100 g’s to whoever can “master the business skills that took 50 Cent off the streets”. Business skills?! The fuck?! We’re talking about the guy who made a living hiding bags of coke in his ass-crack and getting shot, right?
But anyway, this whole trend of rappers suddenly receiving their own reality shows (Farnsworth Bentley, Flava’ Flave, Fif) made me wonder what MTV’s got planned for us next. Here are a few ideas for some wicked-ass potential rap reality shows, which I’d like to see:
1. Soulja Boy Goes to College
LOL aren’t you laughing just from reading the title? I came up with this idea after watching this “Soulja Boy Blog #6” thing on the Youtubez, in which SB admits himself that he wouldn’t mind going to college and “you know…learnin…about life…”
So I’m thinking: Soulja boy in college? Not only would it fulfill his dream of going back to school, but if videotaped along the way, it would also provide me with some quality entertainment. I’m thinking the first episode would go something like:
Professor: Okay class, we have a special student with us this semester. Soulja Boy, why don’t you introduce yourself to the class?
*Soulja Boy “bird walks” into lecture and takes seat*
Soulja Boy: Sup, real talk this yo boy Soulja Boy Tell’Em. I is takin’ college cause I is wanna be a flash animator. I know that sound kinda GAY, but YUUUUULE.
Professor: Okay um…that’s great…so we’ll get started where we left off last class, with our analysis of last week’s debate between Obama and McCain. Soulja Boy, any thoughts to start us off?
Soulja Boy: I am kinda stuck at a forklift in the road. See I wanna superman dat hoe Sarah Palin’s hole, but at da same time, last time I supermanned a hole, it done left my dick itchy and peeling fo’ a month. So I iz just gonna go for Obama. YUUUUULE.
2. Cooking made Easy wit yo Boy Young Weezy
I’ve heard of magic brownies, but think of the magical drug-based foods I could be potentially learning about with Lil Wayne in the kitchen. Remember when this “Lil Wayne teaches how to make lean” instructional video surfaced on Youtube back in the day, in which he taught you how to make Purple Drank?
Well, Lil Wayne is obviously skilled at this whole making drug-based beverages and foods thing, so why not let the man show off his talents in his very own cooking show? I can picture it now:
Lil Wayne: Hi errbody, is yo boy Weezy f Baby and welcome to Cooking with Lil Wayne. I’m here wit my sous chef, da Birdman. Say some to da people Pops.
Birdman: MA FIN’ POP BOTTLES FIN’ LAMBO FIN’ EEEEEEEEEE YEAH BITCHES STUNNA NUMBA ONE PLAYBOY FIN’ YOW BLING
Lil Wayne: I don’t know what pops just said, but let’s get on wid today’s show, ya dig?
Tonight I got a special menu prepared. To start, I’m going to be making a nice stuffed mushroom dish. Except my mushrooms can’t be found in no store, if you gnome sayin HEEEHEEEHEEE. Next, for the main course, I’m finna’ prepare me a delicious lobster, shrimp, clam and fish Jambalaya like my mama used to make. Except I’m going to replace the spices with four bags of that purple OG sticky eeeky eeeky eeeeeeeeeeeee, gnome sayin’?
Birdman: FIN’ CHAMPAIGNE STUN’ ON YOU HOES EEEEEEE YEAH PLAYBOY
Lil Wayne: Right. Ok, so finally, for dessert, I’m gonna be making a drug smoothie that’s gonna make you slap yo mama and impregnate yo cousin.
3. Real Talk with Young Jeezy
Every since Young Jeezy put out his album The Recession, it’s become blatantly apparent that this panda-looking motherfucker think he’s got a head for politics. I mean, he even had that one song on there called “My President” in which he repeatedly informs us that his president is black, but his lamborhini is blue and his Air Jordans are grey. Politics AND basic information about colours in one song? Pure genius, mang!
But anyway, I say we find out what yo boy Young is packing politically under that big-ass head of his and give him one of those Anderson Cooper-like political news shows all to himself, on MTV. He can cover the latest breaking news, in his own unique Young Jeezy fashion. Probably something like:
Young Jeezy: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*20 minutes elapses
Young Jeezy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
*commercial break*
Young Jeezy: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*show ends*
SHIT. I forgot to account for one little detail: Young Jeezy doesn’t really say anything in his albums, interviews or personal life, besides “YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH”. Oh well, I guess we’ll scrap this idea and move on.
4. Fear Factor: Diddy Edition
Ever since news broke that Diddy may not own his own private jets, the man’s been freaking out and diversifying left right and centre, into everything from new clothing lines, to vodka to cologne.
I swear, at this pace, we’re gonna see some Diddy-branded Viagra before I even finish posting this post
Diddy: After a long day of flying to different places in my private jet, I aint go no time to make sure that lil Diddy is all erectified for the ladies. That’s why I use Diddy brand Viagra-the only viagra that makes sho’ that my benjamin stays as hard as I am. I thought I told you that we won’t stop, I thought told you tat we won’t stop. And now you don’t have to stop either, with Diddy Viagra. Diddy Viagra gon’ give you more chubby than the Notorious B.I.G.
*Sequence of old man and woman walking and holding hands in a park comes on*
Quick-talking voice: If erection lasts longer than 6-8 hours, see your doctor. Certain individuals who take Diddy Viagra may experience a temporary soarness of the throat, numbing of the nuts or growth of a vagina. Diddy and Bad Boy Records take no responsibility for your dick falling off after overuse of Diddy Viagra. No one on da corner has swagger like Diddy Viagra.
Diddy: Diddy Viagra: Celebrate the vagina. Responsibly.
Anyway, where was I? Holy shit.
Oh right, Diddy needs a new stream of funds. I’m sick of these new Diddy products which we KNOW aren’t gonna sell. So, I’ve got just the solution. I say we help a brotha’ out and let him earn some money the old fashioned way: by eating animals parts with Joe Roegan on Fear Factor. Seriously, wouldn’t it just make your day to come home from work, turn on your television and see this asshole eating some Buffalo testicles, or drinking some monkey seaman or swimming in a bathtub filled with T.I.’s illegitimate unborn children’s fetuses or something, for a couple’a bills? It’s probably illegal, but I for one would totally pay to see that shit!