Some men play sports. Other men gamble.

My game is gatdamn Tetris son.

I can dominate the marathon mode with an iron fist. I can obliterate any opponent with grace and ease. Multicolored bits of confetti shower me as I bathe in the glory of victory.

But controlling those tetrominos can be a perilous experience - even in the hands of seasoned professional like myself. Here are some unfortunate Tetris occurrences that I ABSOLUTELY loathe:

6. Starting off with the Z and the S - IN A ROW!

Why do you hate me God?

What a shitty way to start a game. No matter where you place these bastards you’re going to get a hole. To fill it up, you got to shimmy a piece down by tap-tap-tapperooing the down button and then sliding it in JUST before it lands on the floor.

5. The Double Tap

Your game is going well. You’re in good shape, no holes, just doin the damn thang slotting pieces in perfectly…in the gatdamn zone. What’s next - nice, an L piece… I’ve got the perfect spot for you, so perfect I’ll just tap the drop button and *tap tap* - FUCK.

Alas poor green piece...you were not meant for that spot

It really screws up the feng shui in my otherwise perfect setup. Imagine “double tapping” in another situation:

*BOOM* Yes! Got him- *BOOM* SHIT...uh..I'm pretty sure she had a gun on her too...

4. The Frantic Rotation

The situation is - you have a hole that you need to fill up, but you can only do it by carefully rotating a block INTO that hole to fill it up or even clear some lines. You typically can get it in the correct position, but once you do…you hit the rotate button again for no other reason that you’re a fucking knob that subconsciously loves pushing nice shiny buttons.

To see what I mean about Frantic Rotation, look at this first:

Now imagine the opposite of that.

Instead of being an unholy Japanese player and rotating strategically all the way to the bottom, you are a very human, regular player, pushing the rotate button with the steadiness of Micheal J. Fox in an earthquake.

Of course it comes no where near the bottom - after rotating it 10 times it settles at the top (in the position you don’t want), proving that the Japanese are once again superior to us in every way.

3. The Dueling Pussies

In your valiant efforts to avoid making those damn holes you inadvertently create a bigger problem. If a stick comes down that magical hole in the sky…where you gonna put it??

Which of these dirty skank holes are you gonna give a good dickin' to?

Both those slots wants that long stick sooo bad… But shoving that stick down either hole is not going to do you diddly squat. It’s like choosing to fuck a either a toothless 103 year old with a yeast infection or a decomposing sloth.

There’s no payoff either way.

2. Where the FUCK is that stick?!

Ok so imagine instead of dueling pussies - you had one luscious poonanner to impregnate. You stack the pieces in all the right places, you show it the care and attention it deserves, you make sure that it’s the only one you cared for. You’re all ready for the fireworks…but NO FUCKING STICK.

OH COME ON...

Sure enough you hit the top - and probably suffering from massive blue balls too.

1. GOD DAMN IT TO HELL

I don’t need to explain this one.

...

Fuck.

BONUS - The Tetris Syndrome

Not exactly an occurrence during Tetris, but definitely something that is damn annoying and robs you of your focus and concentration.

Anything you do gets related back slotting pieces in perfect form. Organizing cans in the stock room, putting away clothes, putting together a puzzle (well i guess that’s the whole idea…) - you envision the rotation, slotting, and organization of those lovely Tetris pieces in your head.

Actually, you don’t even have to be doing anything. Just standing around looking at various shapes and such oughta do it too.

It fits so perfect I just got a chubby