I was watching one of those weekend UFC reruns the other day and began to think to myself: “this could definitely be less gay”. While I enjoy the idea of two bald crazies beating each other’s shit in, I wish they’d do so in a less cock2ass fashion.

Now I have no problem with those who like t3h cocks, but like me, the average UFC fan is not particularly interested in t3h cocks either; quite the opposite in fact. Unfortunately though, because of the lack of rules in Mixed Martial Arts, a typical match often goes from a fight one moment to what resemebles some sort of Clay Aiken sex tape, the next.

So, to give the people what they want, I propose to start a league of our own: UnFC (Ultimatest Not-t3h-Gay Fighting League)

Here are a few improvements we will need to implement to get UnFC off the ground and into your TVz:

1. The No Homo Penalty

Punches, elbows, takedowns and kicks in a UFC match: good; five minute long sessions of two shirtless roid-monkeys getting all Doogie Howser together on the floor: awkward as hell to watch at a sports bar.

“oh look he’s taking him down to the floor…wow, now he’s got him in an elbow lock…oh look, his face is like…IN his ass now; way in there dude…um hey…is that…is that…wow that’s…oh god, I see a nut sack”

UnFC Solution: Firstly, UnFC will have a time limitation on how long you can take your opponent down on the ground for. Secondly, if the move you’re doing down there is a bit Lance Bass, a 10 second “no homo” warning will be given. This means that there is too much cock2ass action going on and you need to de-gai that shit ASAP. If you fail to de-gai as requested in 10 seconds, you get docked a two point “No Homo Penalty” and get bitch-slapped by Joe Rogan.

2. Parachute Pants

Another fundamental problem with the UFC is the apparel worn by some fighters. In some sports, where guys are sprinting, or swimming or some shit like that, it’s expected that they wear some tight-ass short shorts for aerodynamic purposes.

However, a lot of these fighters rockin’ bicycle shorts really have no excuse. It’s bad enough that they’re not wearing shirts and have to touch each other’s forbidden spots all the time, but to add unnecessary scrotum-hugging apparel to the mix is a bit much for the average non-t3h gay fan.

UnFC Solution: Parachute Pants. Think about it, they’re fashionable, loose-fitting, original and the fucking shit; not to mention the 80’s are back and it’s only a matter of time before these things become cool again. As well, from a bidness perspective, parachute pants will give sponsors plenty more room to place their ads on. But we’ll discuss that in a bit.

3. Ex-Nay on the Reality Show-Gay

“The Ultimate Fighter” reality show really pisses me off. I don’t mind the fights between contestants on the show, but the drama? If I wanted to see a bunch of male roommates get roid rage and teabag each other, I’ll hit up Carrot Top’s bachelor pad. Either that, or I’d watch my VHS recordings of “Jackass” 1 and 2 from back in the day. At least when Steve-o puts a firework, or a toy car, or Johnny Knoxville, in his ass and lights it on fire, it’s somewhat entertaining.

UnFC Solution: Instead of a house, the UnFC reality show will feature 20 contestants being helicoptered into a Cambodian Jungle and forced to fight (ultimately so) with local wild animals, snakes, poppy-picking drug slaves and traffickers of the va-jayjay. First five to not die receive UnFC contracts. Remaining survivors (if applicable) get bitch-slapped by Joe Rogan.

4. Hobos

Sometimes in the UFC, it’s really nice to see two guys, who are of equal weight, skill level and cockiness go at it to see who’s better. But other times, because both guys know each other’s strategies so well, they end up fighting conservatively and producing a boring-ass fight which involves a lotta cock2ass floor gropeage and doesn’t end in tap-out or knockout, but rather in decision by the judges. BOOOOOOOORING.

UnFC Solution: Hobos. By now, you should know of my awkward obsession with hobos and hobo activities (if not, click here). Anyway, why not take two hobos and pit them against one another in between matches, for some guaranteed entertainment? The reward would be a three week supply of food and a four week supply of meth, going to the winner of the hobo match. Think about it: if these guys are willing to suck a dick for some crack, there’s no limit to the caliber of fight they’d put up for a few weeks of guaranteed cock-free highs.

5. Dude’s ass Selling me Condoms = Ineffective Advertising

I was watching UFC one day and noticed that a fighter was sporting some shorts with a condom ad on the back. As I began to pay attention to more UFC matches, I realized that this was not all that uncommon.

But it got me thinking: is this really that effective of a marketing strategy for the condom company sponsoring the fighter? I mean, by placing your condom’s logo on a dude’s backside and exposing me to it every time he puts his opponent in one of them cock-pull ass-plant death-grip type of maneuvers, what are you really trying to achieve? Am I supposed to see the takedown and the ad and think to myself “hmm…my girlfriend and I should try that move in the sack…in fact, maybe we’ll do it with that same brand of condoms as the ones on that guy’s corn hole”? Yeah right. If anything, from that point on, I’ll associate that brand of condoms with anything and everything that is t3h gai in this world. Every time I so much as catch a glimpse of those things in a supermarket, I’ll probably end up avoiding them like cabbies do with black people.

UnFC Solution: No ads of any kind on male genitalia, but condom ads still allowed on ring girls’ apparel. Which brings me to my last point…

6. More Ring Girls. All the time. Everywhere.

You know those hoochie mamas who prance around in swimsuits holding up a sign which indicates what round it is at the start of each round? I figure that’s pretty much the last bit of straightness MMA currently clings to. So, if we’re trying to un-gei the sport, why just use ring girls in between rounds? I’m sure they get paid by the hour, so why not utilize our human resources to their fullest? Why not have these ladies do their respective thangs before the match as well? Or after the match? Or Both. Hell, I wouldn’t mind some ring girl action DURING the match either.

UnFC Solution: In the UnFC, every time I see two dudes going at it on the ground, I wanna see two ring girls emulating them at the other end of the cage. I wanna see some split-screen type shit: one screen for fighters, another for ring-girls. Just picture a hot chick putting another hot chick in a triangular titty lock. Now THAT’S what I’M talkin’ about.