A “Wannabe HipHop Love Song Mindfuck” occurs when you hear a song on the radio and mistake it for a love song, only to find out later from the uncensored CD version, that it’s really about casting one’s seed inside a Brazillian stripper named Lupe (that one’s for you, Mr. Ham).

Now, due to the fact that there are a bajizillion hip hop songs out there and I am only ONE extremely sexy man, I’m gonna have to limit my smuttilicious shit list of Wannabe HipHop Love Songs to those that are fairly recent (let’s say released in the last two/three years…ish), have received significant airplay on MTV (none of that underground bullshit only you and you faggy friends listen to) and contain both a Love Song radio edit and a sexed up original version.

With those conditions met, I present to you, the four greatest wannabe hiphop love song mindfucks eVAR.

#4: Soulja Boy Tell Em’ - Crank that Soulja Boy

Coming in at number four, is a controversial entry. While some may argue that “Crank That” is an innocent dance anthem created by an internet dork, others see it as a filthy tale about a horny and sexually frustrated gay teenager wanting to “Superman that hoe (hole?)“, “crank that Robocop” and “Supersoak” said hoe (hole?) when he’s done with it.

In addition, Soulja Boy’s seemingly never-ending talk of “jockin’ ” and “cockin’ ” some sort of bitch ass leads one to believe that said hoe (hole?) belongs on the ass of someone of a male persuasion ready to take it in the stinker. Either that or perhaps Mr. Colli Park is tappin’ Soulja’s shit R. Kelly style.

Mr. Colli Park: Aite gnaw DeAndre, you been gettin’a some trouble gnaw and as punshment, you gone bend over an lemme supersoak that hoe gnaw y’hear?
Soulja Boy: But Mr. Colli Park, my hoe still sore from yestiday wen you crank ya robocock up in this hoe gnaw
Mr. Cali Park: *slap* I SAY YUUULE!

#3: Snoop Dogg - Sensual Seduction

Okay, so this entry isn’t exactly a rap song, so much as a pop song by a rapper. With that said, as soon as I found out that Snoop’s “Sensual Seduction” was really a censored radio edit for the original “Sexual Eruption”, I immediately knew I was just mind-raped by Snoop’s herpes-infected pimp-cock. This went from a song about seducing a beautiful stranger and making love to her Marvin Gaye style, to what now seems like a world anthem for ejaculation.

On another note, judging by snoop’s attire in this video, it seems he’s really gotten into character, playing what looks to be some sort of 70’s cracked out superhero (The Skeeter Surfer?) who’s job it is to bone and impregnate every lady in the land before Lindsey Lohan turns her gay or John McCain proposes to outlaw sex altogether (cause he’s a maverick, duh).

#2: T.I. - Whatever You Like

I know I know, you’re thinking “WHAT?! THIS IS A MINDFUCK?” My innocent friends, when I first heard this crap, I too thought it was a love song, about a rich dude who’s willing to spend money on his woman to show her how much she’s got him by the balls he loves her.

But compare the censored and uncensored versions for a second:

Radio Version:
Baby I’ll treat you so special, so nice
I gas up the jet for you tonight
And baby you can go wherever you like
I said, You can go wherever you like
Yeahhh

Explicit Version:
Late night sex, so wet and so tight
I gas up the jet for you tonight
And baby you can go wherever you like
I said, You can go wherever you like
Yeahhh

There you have it friends. What once seemed to be a love song about a rich dude with no balls, is now a player’s anthem about a rich dude who will spend anything to get some’a that wet n’ tight kudda.

On another note, why is T.I. ordering his fries HIMSELF at some RUNDOWN DRIVE THROUGH? Is he THAT broke? Are we to believe that he DOESN’T pay some goon named Young Murder or Big Killer or something to do it for him? Or maybe the reason he’s getting it himself and in fact, the reason he’s even eating at this shit-hole in the first place, is because all his money is going towards giving her whatever she likes? You know, come to think of it, giving her whatever she likes is probably why T.I.P now has like 8 baby mamas, more children than Osama Bin Laden and a case of snoop dogg’s pimp-cock herpes syndrome all over his Ten Inch Playa.

Here’s some good bidness though: maybe T.I. should capitalize on his illness and start up his own brand of herpes meds. I can see the late night infomercials now:

T.I.P.: Herpes is no joke gnomean pimpin’? Like me, herpes iz seriouuuuuuuuus, shawty. I know ALL about that. But I ain’t scuuured, cause when mothernature keep bringin’ em’ out bringin’ em’ out all over my genitalses, I don’t sweat the warts…I just put on my Grand Hustle Herpes Cream. Made with the finest minerals, medicines and diamonds in the ATL, you know what it izzzzzzzzzzz.

#1: Akon feat. Snoop Dogg - I Wanna Love You

What a shock that our man Big Snoop Dogg, the dude who made pimping and hoeing mainstream, is on our list not once, but twice. This time, our man is featured on a track with Akon, a dude who spends his days at the office grinding the living shit out of fifteen year old Pastors’ daughters in Trannydad clubs.

But anyway, when I first heard “I Wanna Love You”, I thought the whole scenario of the song went something like:

1. Akon sees girl in strip club or club.
2. Akon gets raging boner and eyes girl in strip club or club.
3. Girl sees Akon’s raging boner and mutually falls in love with both him and his raging boner.
4. Girl and Akon live happily ever after alongside Akon’s other 9 wives and 25 illegitimate children.

But as soon as I found out that the song really went “I wanna fuck you” and not “I wanna love you”, I figured it really went down more like:

1.Akon sees Boloney-assed, underaged Venezuelan stripper named Juicy one night at “The Flaming Clam”.
2. Akon gets raging boner and eyes Juicy, impatiently waiting for her to make her rounds.
3. Akon makes it rain with $30US all in ones before heading to the back and “packing” Juicy’s “sandwich”
4. Juicy gives birth to Akon’s 26th illegitimate child. Names him Kornhole.
5. Akon refuses to pay child support and instead, throws child into crowd at concert. Later apologizes and makes bad song about it (featuring everyone).

So with that said, those are my final four and I’m sticking to them. But feel free to leave a comment with some of your own suggestions (whether sticking to my 2 year recency criteria, or older). I’m always up for checking out new musical smut.