I’m bored as shit with Facebook these days; it’s always the same routine: 1. log on, 2. reject an invite to some gay-ass hawaiian-themed clubbing party, 3. decline a request to install some random Facebook Application, which allows me to find out my Transvestite Pirate Hooker name (FYI “Mei-Long Wang-Hook”), 4. quick scan for titties, 5. log off.

So, in an attempt to lose any shred of dignity we had left liven up teh Facebookz, the other day, Mr. Ham and I came up with a little game. This groundbreaking Facebook game, which will soon take the internetz by storm is called Facebook Wall Pwn Showdown. Here are the basic steps to enjoying the game:

1. Pick a Victim

To start off, you want to choose a Facebook friend who will be the victim in this little gem of a game. Ideally, you want the victim to be a mutual friend, or at least someone who’s page both you, Person A, and your accomplice, Person B, can view. Oh, and you also want the victim to be relatively stupid as shit. Dumber people are historically easier to pwn, which means more laughs for you and your accomplice.

For example, meet my Facebook friend Jenny “Aunt” Jemima-a perfect victim if I do say so myself:

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2. Choose a Wall2Wall Scenario

Aite so now Person A and Person B have found a mutual contact on their lists who they will pwn. Now, Person A, I want you to think to yourself: under what circumstances do you usually write on your victim’s page? Do you just randomly drop by to say hi or ask about their plans for Halloween? Do you comment on whatever particular status they currently have set? A witty remark about one of their photos maybe? Whichever it is, choose one and this will be the Wall2Wall scenario for your wall pwn. Make sure the topic is fairly routine and doesn’t catch your victim off guard or strike them as odd.

For example, Jenny and I’s typical topic of discussion is often along the lines of:

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3. Assign the Five Elements of Pwnage

Alright, so now comes the twisted part. Person B: think of five completely random and unrelated words, phrases or nouns. Just clear your head and list off five things that randomly come to mind. They shouldn’t have anything to do with one another and these will be your five elements of Pwnage. For example, “1. Duck, 2. Condom Wrapper, 3. Nike Air Dunk, 4. Banana, 5. 1967 Chevrolet Impala” are five random elements of Pwnage. So are “1. Mermaid, 2. Delta Airlines, 3. Neyo, 4. Havarti Cheese and 5. Pigeon”. Try to be creative.

In our example, my main man Iam Ham will be Person B (the one who assigns the five elements of Pwnage) and I will be Person A (the one who will use the five elements to pwn my victim, Jenny “Aunt” Jemima). Ready…set…go…:

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4. The Wall Pwn

Alright, so now the game really begins. Person A must take the assigned five elements of Pwnage and incorporate them into a coherent paragraph to post on the victim’s wall. The idea is to use all of the five elements, while relating them to you and the victim’s typical wall2wall scenerio, or topic of conversation.

The winning Wall pwn, will be the one that satisfies the following criteria the best:

a) Wall Pwn makes sense as a paragraph
b) Wall Pwn is related to you and the victim’s typical wall2wall topic of discussion
c) Wall Pwn incorporates all five elements of Pwnage appropriately
d) Wall Pwn is creative and clever in its use of the five elements.
e) Victim does not realize that something weird is going on after reading the Wall Pwn (ie left clueless that they’ve just been Wall pwn’d)

The stakes are high though, as the losing Wall Pwn may leave you:

a) Embarrassed
b) Friend-less
c) Realizing what an immature prick you are
d) About to get your ass handed to you by the disgruntled victim’s convicted felon cousin Big Fisty, who got his nickname for once inserting his entire right hand into someone’s rectum, after a disagreement over which variety of taco is superior: hard-shell or soft-shell

Here’s an example of a succesful Wall Pwn:

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