Lust, greed, vanity, envy, wrath, gluttony, and sloth. The 7 Deadly Sins. Just an extension of the Ten Commandments really – an artificial list of rules created by horny, fat, stingy, lazy, petty, short-tempered narcissists to continue controlling the minds of the meek through fear and coercion.
Lust
A sin conceived to suppress a basic human instinct. Christians are taught to believe in abstinence – in waiting for marriage before sex. Some youth have even committed themselves to a pledge of abstinence, which, in an ironic twist, has led to an increase in oral sex among these same devout followers. They aren’t technically breaking their pledge, but they are still sinning - in her mouth, to be exact.
Lust isn’t sex, but simply the desire for it. Creep up behind someone and jump him with a nudey mag – congratulations; you have just successfully sentenced that poor son of a bitch to an eternity in hellfire. For the sake of argument though, let’s say that he was truly devoid of any sexual thoughts whatsoever, even with a pair of double Ds in his face. Well… then he’s gay, and according to the Bible, he’s going to hell for that instead.
And what about the altar boys, the Catholic sex abuse cases – the hypocrisy of the Catholic Church. To think; not only do they go against their own teachings, but they one up themselves. Not only do they screw, but they screw boys… underage boys at that. Since 1950, the American Catholic Church has paid out $2 billion in abuse cases. $2 BILLION. The hand of God has touched many indeed.
But it begs the question: where the fuck does the Church, a non-profit organization, find the money to pay for all of this?
Greed
The collection plate. The fee for salvation, disguised as a donation. Would you risk suffering eternal damnation by refusing to toss in a couple bucks every week? Didn’t think so. In addition to taking in billions of dollars a year, the Church is also completely exempt from paying taxes. What a deal – to pay away your sins of lust with your sins of greed.
But, to be fair, on the rare occasion that His Holiness isn’t diddling Tiny Tim, the Church does spend its “earnings” toward what they were initially intended for –maintenance. It takes a bit of money to maintain those churches you know – the stained glass windows, the gargoyles, the flying buttresses. It’s all so grand and impressive.
It’s almost even a little… vain.
Vanity
It seems a little hypocritical to be preaching against worldly possessions while your voice echoes against the 50 meter high rafters, off the 13 ton bell, through the pair of 100 meter high spires, and against the life-sized 24 carat gold-plated statue of Jesus dickslapping Satan in the face.
I wish I had a picture of that.
And speaking of vanity… have you seen the Pope? I don’t want to call him a pimp, but… the hat, the pimp cup, the pimp cane, the shoes…
You can’t really blame him though. I mean, you gotta look sharp while you’re humbly parading through crowds of adoring fans in your personal, Mercedes, bulletproof Popemobile.
Not vain at all.
Envy
Recently, theress been a drastic increase in evangelicals speaking out – people like Jerry Falwell, Ted Haggard, and Pat Robertson – you know, the completely batshit ones, the ones that outed Tinky Winky as the gay Teletubby and accused Dumbledore of being gay. But why the sudden increase? Why now?
I have a hunch.
Ever since 9/11 and the numerous suicide bombings that followed, Christians have begun to fall behind in the piety race – the race to see which side could out-retard the other. The Christians weren’t just going to lie down and admit defeat to the Muslims, but they weren’t about to strap themselves with a pack of C4s either. So, instead, they get on the air and talk enough shit at a high enough level to match the fanaticism of the Muslim extremists.
Just a speculation, but a good testament to the envy of the Church if ever proven true.
And by the way, keep in mind while you’re reading all of this, that if anyone violates any one of these seven sins, then they will have to face…
Wrath
…the wrath of God. In punishing you for sinning, God himself will have to sin, then punish himself for sinning by sinning again.
For his own sake, I hope God doesn’t get mad at me for talking about him like this.
Gluttony and Sloth
Gluttony and sloth, the last two.
Ah… fuck it, I’m too hungry and tired to finish this shit. I’m just gonna make myself a dozen sandwiches and slip into a short coma.
I’ll leave you with something by George Carlin; a single sentence in which he incorporates all seven of the deadly sins:
I’m really angry, that I, a superior human being in every way, have less money than my neighbor, whose wife I would love to nail if only I weren’t so busy sleeping and eating pork chops.
- George Carlin