Having come back from Vegas this past Summer, I really want to say that strip clubs are the best darn tootin’ thing in this world. There really is no other feeling like having a face full of ass from a gap-toothed Filipino stripper, whose English skills are lacking more so than…well - a person who didn’t grow up speaking the language I suppose.

It’s a feeling that’s just swell lemme tell you!

But once you’ve had your fun, stumbling out of the strip club at the point where daylight has broken and you’re about $600 dollars in the hole - that feeling of euphoria starts to decline.

You are faced with the depressing reality that you are going “home” - and wherever it may be, it don’t have strip clubs like Vegas does

Solution? Gimme one last ride on the Stripper Express, in the sky way up high!

The Idea

Vegas strip clubs should pool together and launch their own airline - Mile High Airlines.

Mile High Airlines would make round trips to and from Vegas to any major international airport. No more of that pesky problem of “waiting for the plane to land before getting a proper lapdance.” Pfft.

With Mile High Airlines, the moment you board; it’s Tits City - Population: You.
(after the safety demonstration and notification of exits of course)

Each plane would have a veritable palette of beautiful women for your choosing. They would be put through a special screening process, and be hand selected using the following criteria:

1. Those who are eager to try something new and exciting
2. Those who yearn to have an enriching experience as a flight attendant
3. Those who dream to expand their career horizons to better possibilities.
4. Those who want to make that ass clap for $20 dollars per dance.
*Those who have strong stomachs and are not susceptible to motion sickness also a bonus

Passengers are treated to a lovely seating arrangement with leopard print recliners, molestation dim lighting, your own personal strobe light and Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” playing on non-stop repeat.

Class and a half baby.

Why?

I can’t count how many times I was heading back from Vegas, utterly depressed and chock full of unspent American currency, thinking to myself, “Man…a lapdance would really hit the spot right about now…”

Mile High Airlines would meet that demand that I myself have experienced FIRST HAND. The niche is there folks. All we have to do is grab the apple from the tree and twist my friends. Twist it hard baby..yeah I like that…

What’s the potential for profit?

Titty slappingly huge - and I mean that in the most literal and figurative way possible.

Essentially, you’ve held the entire passenger cabin market captive. These super financial charts and forecasts should tell you the story:

Forecasted Spending Behaviour:

Figure A.

A. Passenger boards plane, buys a sandwich, ginger ale and a Vodka-7 - minimal spending.

B. Passenger catches the eye of a thick, Brazillian dancer named Lupe - buys a couple lap dances.

C. Lupe is thirsty and asks passenger to buy a couple rounds of double shot tequila and 151. Passenger accommodates is soon shittered with a tanned, South American, stretch marked booty smothering his face. Passenger requests VIP and Lupe leads him behind the curtains.

D. Passenger’s MNBA student credit card is maxed out after an hour in VIP.

**Behaviour depicted above is in no way rooted in reality…no way at all.**

Besides, what the hell else are you going to do on a plane called the “Stripper Express”? Read? Gay. Watch a movie? Gay. Sleep? Gay.

A promo advert - Also a profound philosophical question.

You can’t do those other “activities” anyway - it’s too dark to read, too loud to sleep, and the only thing you’ll be able to watch is your bank account slipping steadily into the red whilst a 20-something blonde named Houston earns her community college tuition.

SWOT

Strengths

- The only one of its kind.

- Will be able to survive in the volatile airline industry by offering premium service ifyouknowwhatIimeanheheheh…

- Chicks with huge cannons.

Weaknesses

- 6 inch heels + spread eagle dance position + severe aircraft turbulence = boner killer.

- Liquor + flashing lights + severe aircraft turbulence = vomiting girls = boner killer.

- *Any feature of a strip club here* + severe aircraft turbulence = boner killer.

Opportunities

- Cater to the growing market of classy, single young men who have an above-average disposable income and are unfamiliar with the concept of shame.

- Capture MY share of wallet.

Threats

- No where to put rowdy patrons - can’t really kick them out.

- Terrorists

Conclusion

Mile High Airlines would be just the surge of economic stimulus needed for both a failing industry AND depressed post-strip club victims everywhere.

It’s not logical to deny such a idea to come to fruition.

To show how confident I am in this idea, I will personally offer myself to test all the facilities and see how the feeling of strippers in air will be like. It may require repeated tests, over and over with different types of beautiful women in all shapes and sizes, grinding, groping, fondling and krumping - but I am willing to put myself through that for the sake of the dream.

The offer stands - all you have to do is grab the apple and twist. Hard…yeaaa like that..