We have a million different ways to say hello. Greetings – even the word itself is a greeting. But aside from the things we say when greeting each other, there are also some things that we do. As a public service, I will now attempt to analyze our most commonly used gestures so that you, the reader, won’t look like a dumbass the next time you meet someone.

You’re welcome.

The Handshake

A solid greeting; you can never go wrong with The Handshake. Unlike high fives and fist bumps, handshakes are highly accurate, greatly reducing your chances of looking like a fool. This is, however, assuming that the recipient of the handshake bears good intentions. If not, then he/she could theoretically sabotage the other by “leavin’ them hangin’” - a sinister, underhanded tactic used to humiliate the handshaker:

Scoundrel!

It may not look like much at first to the untrained eye, but I’ll break it down into 3 parts so that you can clearly see how masterful this actually was.

Fig.1
McCain and Obama make eye contact, prompting a handshake. Obama extends hand, McCain does not. Obama is left hangin’.

Fig. 2
If Obama had retracted his hand at this point, the level of humiliation he would suffer would’ve surely cost him the entire election, leading to a McCain victory, the beginning of WW3, the return of the Black Plague, and the ressurection of Hitler. Fortunately, Obama instead locks on to the nearest secondary target: McCain’s wife. Re-establishing eye contact, he swoops in for the kill.

Fig. 3
Great success! Cindy McCain gives in and reluctantly offers hand; Obama makes a full recovery. Notice how Barack also brings in his other hand to form a double-handed handshake just to rub it in John’s face. Speaking of which… look at John’s face; his expression says it all.

The Secret Handshake

Please - as cool as you think you are, everyone knows you and your friends spent hours practicing it.

The Pound

Also known as “dap”. Some people know The Pound as what I refer to as a “fist bump”, but to me, a pound is what others would call a “CGH” – a Clasp, Grasp, Hug. This particular greeting seems to be the default greeting among rappers, like white people with The Handshake. Consequently, whenever a rapper meets a white person for the first time, the following occurs:

White people just can’t look cool when they’re around black people. It’s science; don’t argue with me.

The Fist Bump

As the name suggests, the bumping of fists. The Fist Bump garnered a lot of media attention recently when Michelle Obama gave Barack a small fist bump right before his acceptance speech for the Democratic nomination. Fox News, not surprisingly, even went so far as to suggest that it was some sort of Jihadist ritual.

I love the way she says it too, all dramatic and shit – a fist bump, a pound… a terrorist fist JAB?! DUN DUN DUN.

If it really was a “terrorist fist jab” and Barack was some kind of Al Queda double agent… then why would he openly blow his own cover? And on national television?

Oh shit, this just in - high fives, hand slaps… Hitler’s handshake?!

Idiots.

I guess The Planeteers are terrorists too.

The Nod

The Handshake rarely misses. However, on the off chance that it does miss, then you’re fucked. You could always try and pretend like you were just stretching or something… but it never works out; there’s really no way for you to gracefully back out until someone eventually shakes your hand out of pity. Conversely, The Nod is a lot safer. Although it may miss more often since it’s a more subtle gesture, it’s for that same reason that its misses are inconsequential. On the occasion that the other person doesn’t return your nod, you can easily just play it off like a nervous twitch.

The Nod is a drive-by greeting. If you see someone you know, but don’t want to talk to, then just give them a quick “yes I acknowledge your existance” nod and keep walking.

The Nod is also non-targetted. Handshakes have a clear recipient, but nods are not so restricted. Let’s say there are two people walking towards you, neither of whom you care to speak to. A single, non-targetted, drive-by nod will take care of both those fuckers in one go.

The Cheek Kiss

You usually see this one during talk shows right after the host introduces a female guest and he goes up to greet her. Only works females and French people though - you never see Conan O’Brien and Snoop Dogg cheek kissing.

As embarassing as it is to be left hangin’ during a handshake, it’s 100 times worse on a cheek kiss:

Bill’s actually lucky that he only got her cheek that time, cause Barack’s had a history of “missing” in the past:

But at least it’s better than John McCain’s…

Creepy Old Man Rub