I enjoy a spanking MSN session just like any other chap. The medium gives you the appearance of wit because you’re not bound by that pesky thing called “response time.” Try stepping away from face to face conversation to Google that semi-related Simpsons quote and not have the other person think you’re batshit insane.

But alas, they can’t all be winners. I can’t stand some of the conversations I’ve had with some people; and you definitely know these people…

7. The “I’m Promoting an Event I Want You to Attend” Person

This person will start off enthusiastically, making it seem like he/she is genuinely interested in your life, and then drop the “COME TO MY SUPER FUN EVENT” bomb out of no where.

Listen - I know what the fuck is up. I can read your MSN name, I can read your personal message - you really don’t care how I’m doing. Do you really think adding a “personal” touch to your marketing efforts by haphazardly asking me “howz lyphe going???” is going to get me to come to your event?

Next time, just save yourself the trouble of attempting to talk to me and just go online and offline repeatedly; that’s sure to get more of my attention than your futile efforts to chat me up.

6. The Hit and Run Messenger

You dirty motherfucker...

WHY? What the hell purpose does this serve?

Perhaps I am a victim of a person so bored they try to find ANYBODY to talk to, and landed on me. Once they initiated a conversation with yours truly, a chick with massive cans came online thereafter, getting them in the mood and reminding them that they could “polish the banister” instead of doing nothing, so they fired up good ol’ YouPorn and went offline (they wanted to be alone of course).

It’s coo it’s coo I get it.

5. The Person You’ve Talked To Only Once When You First Added Them

You know this person..you excitedly add them to your contact list the night you meet them at a party or an ice cream social.

You talk once (maybe 2-3 times if it’s a particularly aesthetically pleasing girl - AKA has big cans.) and that’s it.

They’re another user clogging up your list of choice onliners. You don’t have the heart to delete them because you might see them again and it would be hard to explain why you can’t message them the details about X or Y. Or they might be of use to you some how, offering discounts at a retail store or free bags at a local supermarket.

4. The Person You Talked To Only Because They Were a Classmate

Similar to the previous person, you need them for something - that reason is wondering what the hell is going on in class because you’ve skipped it for the 25th consecutive time.

3. The “Who the Hell is this?” Person

You want to keep fishing because this girl might be hot

You see…this is what happens when you start deleting people. They come back and message you with a cryptic “hey” and you’re all…shit…who is this??

Then you rummage through your message history but of course it’s not there anymore because you deleted the bastard, so you copy and paste the e-mail address and username to your friend who MIGHT know that person but of course they don’t. Now you’re stuck trying to piece together your relationship with this person through strategically placed questions.

It’s like playing Guess Who except there are no names on the cards and you can’t ask if the person is black.

2. The Person Who Wants Something But Pretends Not To

Listen, I know you want something - stop making bullshit conversation to make it seem like you DON’T want something so you don’t look like a total douchebag.

JUST CUT THE SHIT PLEASE. TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT - I WILL PROVIDE IT AS LONG AS IT’S NOT UNREASONABLE, OR IF YOU HAVEN’T PISSED ME OFF PRIOR TO THIS VERY MOMENT.

I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO ASK ME IF I’VE GRADUATED YET, OR IF I’M STILL WORKING AT THAT JOB I QUIT 6 YEARS AGO.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? JUST TELL ME!!

NO I HAVEN’T HEARD FROM JOHNNY IN A WHILE, IN FACT I HAVEN’T TALKED TO JOHNNY IN 3 YEARS - YES I KNOW WE USED TO HAVE ENGLISH TOGETHER BUT I DON’T KEEP IN TOUCH WITH EVERYBODY I HAD ENGLISH WITH 3 YEARS AGO.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT??

OH - THE NEW NEYO SONG - HERE YOU GO.

NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

1. The Person Who Uses Conversation Enders

Her response was: cuz there pretty.

This person makes it seem as though having this conversation is the LAST thing they want to happen in this universe. The worst part about it is, THEY MESSAGED YOU!

To the people that do this: Is this how you want other people to talk to you? How many other premium conversations are you holding at this very moment - perhaps with others as lucky as myself? Why do you torment me with one word answers and shitty replies such as “haha” and “ah icic” ?

Do us all a favour do the following steps to improve your conversation skills:

1. Sign out
2. Close MSN
3. Go to the Control Panel ->Add/Remove Programs
4. Uninstall MSN
5. Just sit there and do nothing for an indefinite amount of time.