I know it might be asking too much for porn directors to write an Oscar winning script, but could they at least make them semi-plausible? At least for my sake? Here I am – door closed, zipper open, computer on, pants off, lights dimmed, candles lit. Two minutes in, and instead of stroking myself, I’m stroking my chin, wondering who the fuck could come up with a plot this fucking stupid.

I don’t know where the fuck these guys are ordering pizza from, but I’m usually greeted at a door by a snot nosed punk, not a half naked porn star. I think it’d be tough to drive that Dominos delivery car in 9-inch glass heels. But other times, they have it the other way around, where it’s the guy that’s delivering the pizza to the girl. Take this one example, from my… “library”:

Ding dong.

In comes your typical pizza eater, a bleached blonde in lacey lingerie. She hobbles awkwardly over in her high heeled house slippers, opening the door to a middle-aged pizza… man. She invites him in, and he enters without a question – why? I don’t know, I guess the writers didn’t think that far. He seats himself on the couch, pizza in lap. She wobbles over, opens the lid, and lo and behold, his dick is in the pizza. I’m not making this shit up folks, there’s an actual series of these videos, look them up yourself. And they’re all cleverly titled too – something witty, something like “Dick in a Pizza”.

And when I say his dick is in the pizza, I mean his dick is literally IN the pizza. They actually cut a hole in the bottom of the box so that his dick comes up and through the center of the pizza… which brings me to another point – what a fucking waste of a perfectly good pizza. Twenty Ethiopian kids died so that this asshole could rub his dick in anchovies and mushrooms.

So she sees this… and isn’t in the least bit surprised, like this was precisely what she ordered. Or maybe she is, I don’t know. I can’t really tell because she can’t really act. But nevertheless, here she is, with a dick in her pizza, and instead of asking for a refund, she goes down on the guy, rubbing her face in a large Hawaiian while she’s sucking off some small Italian.

The thumbs up kills me.

And of course, all of this is supported by powerful, moving dialogue:

Did someone order a large meatlovers?

Oh yeah, I need someone to stuff my crust with gooey cheese filling.

Do people really talk like this when they’re having sex? Through thinly veiled sexual innuendos? Why they need to hint at fucking, WHILE they’re fucking, is beyond me.

And the music… Jesus fucking Christ. If I wanted to listen to god-awful music while some barely legal skank touches herself, I’d turn on MTV, and I do. A Pussycat Dolls music video is really just soft-core lesbo porn with a better budget and worse music. Just mute the sound, grab some Kleenex, and you have yourself a party. Speaking of which… the Girlicious video just came on, so I better get off. Get it? Get off? Hahaha, I’m awesome.

But in all seriousness, the porn industry needs to step its game up. Whereas every other facet of entertainment has evolved over the years, porn has remained stagnant for the most part. Sure there’s bestiality and scat now, but those are really just different flavors of the same shit - maybe that was a poor choice of words… but you know what I mean.

Porn is catered mainly to men who think with their dicks, which is all men, and I’m one of them, but my dick appreciates the arts goddamnit, and it’s sick and tired of all the awful acting and terrible scripts. So I relish in the thought that one day George Lucas will release “Star Whores Episode I: The Panty Menace” and Jenna Jameson has her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, in between Samuel L. Jackson and Godzilla.

(I was reminded of this video while I was typing this up, but it really has nothing to do with the rest of the post at all.)