I play Scrabble, almost religiously so. Instead of going clubbing or drinking on the weekends, I like to stay at home, slip into my footy pajamas, pop open a bottle of 40, and get my Scrabble on.

Scrabble is so much more than just a board game. Deceit. Corruption. Lies. Scandals. I’ve witnessed countless men crumble to the ground just at the mere mention of its name. Scrabble… like the haunting wail of a siren banshee.

Some would argue that it’s only a board game, but they’re gay. If it was only a board game, then would celebrities play it? Celebrities… like Canada’s own Kalen Porter!

(Disclaimer: Not a Kalen Porter fan. His hair is ridiculous. Still a celebrity though.)

My actual set’s missing at least half its letters – I think I might’ve swallowed them as a kid. Either way, I play online now, and I’ve noticed that almost all of my opponents are over the age of 65. How do I know this? I check their profiles – Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, “know your enemy”. Unfortunately, as I learned the hard way, the elderly aren’t meant to be taken lightly. These seniors are callous, cold-blooded killers. No, I’m serious - don’t even think about fucking with Grandpa. He lets you know he means business even before the game begins:

Me: hi gl ^^
Old Guy: Keep it boy, you’re gonna need all the luck you can get.
Me: omg D:

As you can tell by the frowny-face, I am clearly distraught. But that was me before, when I was young and naive, and I’ve since learned how to properly handle these bullies:

Old Guy: Hey, how’s it going?
Me: yeah whatever gramps, hope you took your medication
Old Guy: Excuse me?
Me: yeah whatever old man, hope you got your diapers on

It’s pretty much just “yeah whatever [derogatory name], hope you [obligatory stereotype].”

But, despite all the bitterness and hostility, I still continue to play out of a deep-seated love for the game. I’m fascinated with the English language, and words in general, and playing Scrabble has allowed me to examine words in a way I never would’ve previously thought to. In Scrabble, the conventional method of playing is to create a new word stemming off of a letter already existing on the board – for example, using the “i” in “infant” to form “dildos”. However, strategically speaking, it would be wiser to add an “s” at the end of “infant” to make both “infants” and “dildos”, generating more than double the points.

This is usually the most common use of the letter “s” – to create a new word while extending another one. While the letter “s” is easy to use, since it can be tagged on at the end of most words to pluralize them, there are other ways to apply the same concept. Take the word “rap” for example. Add an “e” at the end and it becomes something entirely (and delightfully) different. In addition to that, you can add a “g” in front of that to extend it even further. Rap, rape and grape – three totally unrelated words, each separated by only a single letter. Three things I enjoy individually, and even more so together.

Also, because of the random nature of the letters drawn and words played, you’ll often see words paired together that you wouldn’t normally see under any other circumstances. “Infant” and “dildo” is one, or using the “a” in “koala” to spell “rapist”. Imagine if, by chance, all four of these words were to appear on the board at the same time. You wouldn’t be able to help but picture a pedophile koala rapist in a trench coat with a big rubber dildo firmly gripped in his fuzzy paw.

This is why I play.

Didn't think I could tie this in with the rest of the article did you? HA!