One trip to Craigslist.org is all it takes to remind me of just how straight up Tom Cruise-Weeeeeeetarded people are when they’re trying to sell you their shit. These days, you can find everything on good old CL, from a job, to a car, to an iPod, to a "massage therapist" that charges "200 roses" for an hour, if you catch my drift.
So hopeful sellers, leisurely web surfers and unemployed motherfuckers desperate for a job, here are some tips to follow when trying to sell or buy shit on Craigslist.
C(R)APITALIZATION ONLY EMPHASIZES HOW RETARDED YOU ARE
Capital letters are most common for job postings on CL, when some douche tries to convince you that working for him will be a rewarding and fun experience. Usually these fucks use capital letters and "exciting" wordplay to trick you into emailing them for more information.
It’s at that point, that they try to then lure you into the exciting world of either email porno spamming (”internet marketing”), standing on a corner handing out flyers (”promotions”), phoning old people asking them to buy some viagra (”sales”)…or some other demeaning bullshit like that. Example:
We are looking for our Next BEST OF THE BEST!
It could be YOU! If you would like the
OPPORTUNITY for SUCCESS and CHALLENGE yourself,
We’ve got it in our hands!!!
Translation:
We need someone to randomly email people across the country with Penis Enlargement Advertisements!
We’re pretty goddamn desperate, so please apply!
We’re not gonna pay you jack shit, but you can work from home!
We’re also a very fun place to work. Can’t you tell from our use of capitalization and exclamation points coupled with cheesy sayings?
But here’s the sad part: the example used is an actual ad!
Your Used Beater is NOT worth 12 Thou
People selling cars on Craigslist get waaaaaay too emotionally attached to their shitboxes, to the point where they end up trying to charge 12 grand for a rebuilt 94′ Ford Ranger with 250 km’s on it and no front bumper. These ads always come fully equipped (see what I did there? har har) with the same bullshit set of keywords which mean the opposite of what you’d think. For example:
"Great Student or Commuter Car"
Translation: This ride desperately needs to be pimped by Xzhibit."Mostly highway miles!"
Translation: Was used to smuggle Cambodians across the border. Roomy trunk."Minor cosmetic damage"
Translation: If this car was a musician, it’d be Seal.
Classic beauty ready for a new home. Slight Cosmetic damages.
Youuuuuuuuuuuuuz’ a Hoe (HOE!)
Ever seen CL’s notorious escort ads in the "erotic" section? Don’t get me wrong, I give full props to these hoes, for using the most up to date technology to market their badonkadonks. But the extremes that these bitches go to, to trick themselves out, while simultaneously pretending like they’re NOT tricking themselves out and trying to be all clever about it is funny as hell to me. These cum-dumpsters most certainly need to invest in some marketing classes. Example:
Want some RELAXATION and RELEASE after a HARD day of work? CUM over to Candy’s candy shop and I’ll let you taste my fuzzy peaches or I’ll touch your TOOTSIE ROLL. Call now (but um…unblock your phone…oh and a man may answer when you call…that’s just Tyrone…)
But the best hooker ads are actually the ones posted by the mega-F.O.B’s who just entered the country yesterday. Once again, I respect your hustle girls, but when the first English word you ever learned to pronounce was "blowjob", perhaps investing in a translator or a pimp or something would do your business some good. Otherwise, it just ends up being some unreadable shit like:
HIHI~I GiGi here call me I do Asn massage for you baby feel gooooood^x^xI small white skin make you good babyxoxox~~~~~^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHHAHA! Bitches is crazy…
Some Shit just Shouldn’t be Sold in the First Place
I could care less that it’s your "final price for greeting card collection". And your barely working Pentium 2 with Windows 95 on it is NOT a collectible. It’s garbage.
Oh, and you and I both know that your "RARE AND RAD VHS COLLECTION" (Actual ad quote) is just gonna end up being that copy of ‘Titanic’ you recorded off TBS when you were in high school. Remember when Jack told Rose he’ll never let go (or was it Rose that said it to Jack? I don’t really give a fuck)? Well, you’re not Jack, nor are you Rose. So let it go and throw it away, asshole.