As a regular walker of downtown streets and an occasional fueling factor of the hobo economy, it often saddens me to see underpeforming hobos. An underperforming hobo, according to the Pretty Pancakes dictionary, is one who is not rising up to his or her full potential in terms of fund-generating ability. While this lack of incoming hobo moneyz often stems from various factors which we will not go into, hobo technique is often at the heart of thangz.

You see being a hobo is essentially a career. Like most other careers, the job entails tremendous competition with others in the industry, who are also trying to get their bread (in this case, literally). In the end, those who manage to outshine (in this case, outhobo) their respective colleagues in the industry achieve the greatest returns, while those who don’t put in the work get hobowned.

So call up your underperforming hobo friends and tell them to plug in their Macbook Pro’s, for I am about to drop some knowledge in a free tutorial I like to call Hobo Marketing 101. Pay attention, for these basic factors I am about to showcase may determine whether your hobo is an unsuccessful hobo or a…slightly less unsuccessful hobo?

Factor #1: Hobo Brand Image

Hobo Brand Image is a huge factor for me when I’m picking which hobo I’m going to invest in next. If you want the moneyz, you have to convince me that if I give you said moneyz, you will spend it wisely. Essentially, you want to present a hobo brand image of yourself, as a hobo with future hobo potential, rather than a hobo who will take my money and use it to fund his next drug-induced hobo coma.

I see an example of a well-branded hobo versus one with a not so great reputation every day while making my rounds downtown. On one intersection, there lives a construction-worker-looking hobo who spends his day reading a book and focuses on said book while politely offering his hat as a piggybank mechanism for fund-collection. When I see this hobo I think “smart, educated, useful, on the verge of reading more books from start to finish than I ever have in my life (i.e. one)”.

On the other hand, down the street is a hobo who spends his workday passed the fuck out from his last Meth hit. With this hobo, all I think to myself is that if I wanted to fund someone’s drug habit, I’d much rather just go out and buy an Amy Winehouse album. Then again, if I wanted to listen to an over-rated crazy bitch talkin’ some “I’m crazy” jazz, I’d probably rather just watch The View for free.

Factor #2: Hobo Nutrition

Stemming from the idea of how a hobo spends their time and the dollar I give him or her, is hobo nutrition. The way I see it, most, if not all of a hobo’s money should be spent on food and dranks, which can potentially enable said hobo to survive and energize them throughout their work day.

With that said, the amount of fast-food eating hobos I see on my daily walkabouts downtown is sheerly astounding and this serves as a problem for several reasons. Firstly, no offence to the Colonel, but the amount of nutrition that a KFC 2 piece meal is going to provide for you is little to none.

Besides that, there’s also plenty more you could get for under five bucks at Wal-Mart or even a supermarket with the money you spend on dem juicy thighs and breasteses. Hell, you could be enjoying a week-load of meals funded by Wal-Mart for the price of a 3 piece (believe me, I’ve been there and done that back in my “haven’t had a fruit in a month” days).

But what really amazes me is when I see y’all street dwellers with a Grande Starbucks in your hands. How the fuck you gonna spend two bucks on a high-class-ass coffee which will give you nothing but dehydration in the long term? Even I can’t spring for that. Hobo please.

Factor #3: Hobo Fund-generation Techniques

While how you sell your image is important, equally as important, is the good or service you provide to the investors in doing so. Sitting on the ground with a cup, looking sad may still work for some, but is an approach to getting moneyz which has become a somewhat outdated norm in the hobo industry. To truly achieve above-average returns in this day and age, a hobo must differentiate themselves from their competition.

For an extreme example, I’ve heard stories about this one dude who goes around offering investors a chance to kick him in the nuts for the low introductory price of 5 dollars. Now that’s what I call putting your balls on the line for your career (I’m going to hell).

Factor #4: Level of induced pity

Last but not least, is the amount of pity a hobo generates from me as a potential investor. This is a tough one, because while you want your potential investors to feel sorry and donate to you, you don’t want to overdo it.

Furthermore, if you’re going to come up to me and ask for money, at least look the part. I had a dude approach me once asking for food moneyz, dressed in some big-ass shades, tight jeans and a p. diddy-ass parka.