Fuck babies and those “baby on board” signs. Do people actually think, that by hanging these signs on the back of their car, that the person behind them will drive more carefully? As if the only reason someone should drive safely is so that they won’t crush your precious little spawn of Satan between 4 tons of molten steel? I always thought “not dying” was incentive enough, but I guess not. If anything, seeing these “baby on board” signs makes me WANT to crash into these motherfuckers just for having it up in the first place.

And why do they only hang them in the back? Why not the front? If hanging these signs in the back is supposed to prevent people from ramming into you, then the same should be done to prevent people from reversing into you, like I occasionally do.

Let’s say I’m looking into my rearview, and because I’m uninformed as to whether or not there is, in fact, a baby on board, I begin to drive a little reckless, slamming on my brakes , causing the truckload of babies behind me to come splattering into my rear windshield. Fuck! I just washed the car! If only the guy behind me had a SIGN, then all of this could’ve been fucking avoided.

This is the kind of twisted logic that these people follow – they think that a simple sign makes them impervious to accidents. If this were true, then we should all get one of these magical fucking signs, even if we don’t own a baby. Who the fuck needs stupid shit like traffic laws and stoplights anymore when we have signs now?

I’ve also noticed that these signs are completely exclusive to babies. Why is that? Are babies the only thing that people are afraid of crashing into? How come we never see a “cruisin’ with cripples” or a “ridin’ with retards”?

Well, I’ll tell you why. “Baby on Board” only exists because child-worshipping soccer moms want YOU to know that THEY have a baby. They want you and everyone else to know that the mutant creature that crawled out of their uterus cavity 9 months ago is now sitting in the backseat of their hybrid SUV. Sorry lady, but no one but you gives a flying fuck about your baby, as the late, great George Carlin here will graciously explain:

And what arrogance – to assume that everyone loves babies. Not everyone does. I don’t. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that I maybe even hate babies. All they do is shit and sleep… well, that’s also all I really do… well, fuck you! And fuck babies! To a person like me, a sign like “baby on board” would only further provoke me into deliberately rear-ending you.

So the next time I purposely crash into one of these yuppie assholes, and they get out of the car to complain, like:

Excuse me sir, but didn’t you read my sign?

I’ll be ready with a sign of my own:

That's right, I said it, and I'll say it again!