Jon and Kate are like any old fashion American family: Kate’s a sassy, border-line OCD, Caucasian woman, married to Jon, a sarcastic, 1/4 Korean man who’s slightly balding - Yep, as American as ketchup with Mac N’ Cheese. They also have kids…A LOT of kids.
Kate has brought the wrath of science down on her uterus, giving it all the reproductive powers of a stray cat. Now she and her husband Jon must live life raising a pair of twins and SEXTUPLETS.
Chea boii...we roll 8 deep son.
Although you may think that this makes up for some premium choice Monday night TV…the show is not without many faults. When I peer into the personal lives of a possum woman and its her offspring I expect to see some things.
Here are my qualms about J&K+8:
7. It’s The Same Damn Set Up Every Goddamn Episode
Here’s how every show starts off:
Kate: Today we’re planning on doing an activity any regular sized family would take for granted. But it’s going to be a nightmare because in case you forgot, we have 8 kids! 2 sets of multiples!
But us being the great parents that we are, we want to expose our kids to everything this wonderful world has to offer. Damn the excruciating effort and insane logistics we have to deal with. We’re doing this for them - Yay the power of family!
Typically, the activity that is included in “everything this wonderful world has to offer,” is a fucking picnic, going to the park, or going out for ice cream. Sometimes they do something actually interesting, like going to Disneyland or Utah (as thrilling as that sounds)– but I can’t imagine the family being able to go on a fantastic 2 week voyage every episode.
Thus, in between the eventful episodes, we get a few filler shows where the focus is one of the kids goes to the dentist while the others are playing “Who shit in their unnawears?” at Aunt Jodi’s.
6. Mady Is a Douchebaguette
Everything Mady says or does makes me want to punch her in the face. She’s loud and just copies everything her mild-mannered sister says.
TV Crew: Which brother or sister is your favourite?
Mady: OH I LIKE HANNAH BECAUSE BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
Cara: I like them all equally because they’re my brothers and sisters
Mady: YEA ACTUALLY I LIKE THEM ALL TOO BECAUSE THEY’RE MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS YEA THAT’S THE TICKET.
I scoured YouTube to find the clip of the above transaction of douchebaggery - I couldn’t find it. However, I did stumble across this disturbing piece of fan produced content:
The thought of Mady being a “real girl gettin down on the flo’ and givin’ you a taste you want some mo’” makes me barf just a little.
5. Jon is a Huge, Gelatinous, Quivering Vag of a Man
Kate clearly wears the pants in the relationship. Jon quietly suppresses the rage he is accumulating over the years of having Kate demean, embarrass and generally rip the balls out from his sack, wearing them around her neck as a sign of dominance and a reminder to her husk of a man that Katey G. will “choke a bitch” if he doesn’t obey.
Jon also gets bitchslapped like Tina Turner did during her wonder years.
His response to this abuse? “It’s strange” and “Thank you.” - Quite an inspiring lesson for 8 impressionable kids.
4. Kate Is FAR Too Practical To Be Throwing Clothes Out
- Kate watches her kids like a starving, rabid hawk whenever they eat ice cream; because their sorry asses will be grass if they get any on their clothes.
- Kate took the kids to a Crayola factory (you know..the people that historically make crayons, paint and other stain making tools) and went apeshit on them; she realized markers + 3 year old kids = potentially stained clothes.
- Kate brought the fucking thunder down on Aaden (the kid with the glasses) when he tried to playfully roll down a grassy hill - Why? Possible grass stains on clothes.
Why the insanity? Kate’s gotta spend all day in the laundry room (aka the potty training facility) if all that clothes gets dirty - because she’s far too practical to be throwing clothes out.
Therefore, these kids are walking on eggshells in the Gosselin household. If one of them so happens to get some shit on their clothes - GOD FUCKING HELP THEM.
Actual Episode Footage: Kate is about to discipline Aaden for getting ice cream on his robe.
The wrath of a stressed, tummy-tucked, middle-aged, dead-inside woman will be brought on the one who spilled Juicy Juice on their Baby Gap baseball T…
BECAUSE SHE’S FAR TOO PRACTICAL TO BE THROWING CLOTHES OUT. FUCK.
3. Can The Product Placement Be Any More Obvious?
Kate: Today we’re going to feed the kids some monkey munch - just a “dessert” i tossed together with protein, honey and hamster pellets - they just go nuts over it!
*pan to the kids*
Kids: We WUB MOnKe-
*quickly pan away to*
*remain focus on*
*pan to a shot of the kids drinking Juicy Juice ©*
*back to a shot of*
*Ending Credits Roll*
2. How The HELL Are You Using That Digital Camera Kate?!
ALL cameras in the past 60 years of history have been operated via the same procedure: POINT at the shit you would like to take a picture of AND PUSH THE BIG BUTTON AT THE TOP RIGHT HAND CORNER to complete the picture taking task.
KATE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT MAKES THIS SO COMPLICATED?? ARGHH!!! DRIVES ME INSANE THAT A PERSON CAN’T USE TECHNOLOGY THAT HAS NOT CHANGED FOR THE PAST 6 DECADES OF MAN AND HAS ACTUALLY BEEN MADE EASIER.
DOESN’T MATTER WHICH CAMERA MODEL OR BRAND. IT’S ALL THE SAME. NO EXCUSES. SHAME ON YOU.
1. I GET IT…Raising 8 Kids Sucks.
How can you possibly decide to do a whole TV series based on that. I see the message they’re trying to weasel across - “Sometimes it can be a stressful and gruelling task…and sometimes you just want the sweet sweet release of a shotgun shell to your right temple…and sometimes you’ll want to just hop into your minivan in the middle of the night and just drive baby drive…..but in the end…. it’s aaaaallllllll worth it =)”
Nice try. The show has practically made me not want to have any kids of my own, because of the horrific possibility of having a shitload of little shits. I really don’t want to plan 3 weeks in advance just in order to get ice cream with my family.
14 Comments
Jon and Kate plus 8 gives me hope that one day when I have just one kid and get invited to be a guest on the Oprah show, it’ll be so much easier.
I had to leave my place of business and gain composure after reading this shit. i’ve often seen the defeat on Jon’s face while watching it with the Mrs. I often imagine Ms. Sophia’s monologue playing repeatedly in his mind “I knowed what it’s like to wanna be’s free but’cha cain’t…”. he might pull a chris benoit before it’s all over with.
Dude you need to get a life… quit judging people just because they live a happy life and you live a miserable life in your moms basement. Grow up! If you hate the show, simply DON’T WATCH IT ASSWIPE!!
Miikehawk - wow - I’ve never seen so many clichés before in my life.
Why don’t you take a seat you sopping thundercunt and take a lesson from your own book-o-wisdom: if you hate the post, simply DON’T READ IT FUCKFACE!!
Now have yourself a nice dick to suck on and shut the fuck up.
I hate that fucking show. My girl tries to watch that shit and I snatch up the remote like fuck all that.
Play the hand you’re delt, you’re not fucking special and noone gives a fuck about your shitty children. What pointless bullshit. Straight waste of life.
To all that say “don’t judge” blah blah blah… Then Jon and Kate should not put their family’s life in the cross hairs of the public eye. Once you let those cameras into your home, it’s all fair game.
I absolutly LOVE this list. I pitty those kids, and their daddy. Kate needs a real smack in the head is she thinks she’s being a good mom to those kids, and a good wife to her husband. I pitty any man that marries her daughters.
I actually ranked these kids on my blog…I thought I was being harsh!
http://www.iwannadomel.com/2009/03/jon-and-kate-plus-8-children-ranked.html
I’m SOOOO glad someone made this list and feels the same way I do. I can’t stand this holier than thou biotch. You needed to have added a number 8:Why aunt Jody isn’t on the show anymore. Cha-Ching! You guessed it. No wonder her husband if off gallavanting around cheating on her. Her kids will certainly get the brunt of it…and she’ll have to raise 8 kids all alone.
Why don’t you take a seat you sopping thundercunt.
OMG that made me almost spit my tea at the monitor…LMFAO!!!!!
I hate Jon and Kate!…self absorbed a-wipes…Kate is a money grubbing cold fish and I’m convinced Jon has a vagina between his legs…I HOPE they get divorced..and there kids grow up mentally screwed up and hating them..they brought this on themselves…” We hate the publicity and the camera’s…but give us free vacations and a 1.3 million dollar house..waagghh!!!”…. f u c k you!
I can’t agree more, the whole memorial day weekend, yadda, yadda, yadda, TLC’s marathon of jon & Kate, can you believe she has a problem with paparazzi, OMG!!!! YOU STUPID BITCH, Not ok for someone to take a random photo of your kids, but lets take a pic of your child sitting next to the potty full of shit, while videoing the whole damn thing, can we say THERAPY!!!!
I don’t like this show jon and kate , i am from wernersville pa area i lived here all my life since they came to my town they have the media come in like ambushers to our stores and our neighborhoods because viewers never seen our town before berks county is not much to see people we don’t live in dutch country we live in gehto country reading pa is filthy city to begin with first of all and the second of all wernersville is a small town with a population now of 2, 00 before the clan moved to our town it was a population of a 1,00 but do to vistors and people moving here it has grown.
kate and jon i hate them because they are not tv stars everyone it is just a show not celeberties.
they get free food , trips and tickets to shows and venues
they get free vechiles and cars and toys to play with
they get a free home they do not have to pay a mortage for that is bull crap in a nut shell they do not have to pay tlc buys them everything and they pay for the mortage for the house that is rediculis .
the mother is mean to her kids will not let them get dirty or get messy like kids should be .
the behind the sceens of access ticked me off the mom did not give her kids water but she drank water in front of them and did not share with her kids that was a load of crap i thought made me mad a good pop to the face would of worked to straighten her rear end out .
she thinks she is a star because she has 8 kids she is a idiot.
i dislike the woman and i don’t watch her show because of who she thinks she is no wonder her man cheated on her she is a bull dog in heels.
i would of beat the crap out of her if she slapped me like she did to her man .
man that whole family is disfunctional and messed up those klids will need some theerapy after this show goes off the air , and the kids will need medication to calm their nerves poor kids i pity them not the parents.
she is not a insperation she is a cause of not having kids a poster child for birth control is more like it.
she is a idiiot and i hope the show goes under
i be happy and they move will make me more happier.
sucks to be a moron on tv isn’t it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I agree that if they’re in the public eye, then they’re fair game. Kate is so money-hungry that when she speaks of “It’s all for the children.” Kids do not care if they have gobs of money, go on exotic vacations or appear before tv cameras. What children really want are their parent(s)’ presence and some attention. I seriously feel that Mady is going to end up in the loony bin some day. Seriously. Her kids are her first concern….no, Kate, the money is your first concern, and the publicity, however you can get it. Also, please, for goodness sake, teach them proper grammar! C’mon, they’re 5-1/2 already and they constantly mispronounce words. “Them is our beds.” And she’s standing right there! How are they going to learn if the parent doesn’t correct them? Also, if the show does end, I won’t be surprised if Kate to appear on QVC or HSN with her new line of wigs of her outrageous hairstyle! And maybe her new line of sunglasses! Please!! I’m getting sick and tired of all the drama, and especially in front of their kids. Whew!
I saw a couple of you commented on my Kate Gosselin Support Group post on my blog. Thanks!
After last night’s episode, I definitely had to go after Jon for not being anywhere near a good father. It’s titled, “Douche Psyche: I’m Jon Gosselin,” check it out: http://www.iwannadomel.com/2009/06/douche-psyche-im-jon-gosselin.html